Cultural Differences in my Russian-American Marriage - Part 2
Since my blog on cultural differences in my Russian-American marriage is my most popular article, I decided to follow up with part two digging into some more nuanced topics.
Again, I would like to disclaim that this is from our personal experience and perspective. Even when raised in a particular country and culture, our personalities, life experiences, region, and families all impact how we see the world and act. Neither of us fully encompasses an “American” or a “Russian,” as there is no true prototype. Many cultural differences exist within a country and its various regions. To put it into perspective, Russia alone is home to over 190 different ethnic groups, making it one of the most diverse countries in the world.
Gift Giving
I first noticed this when it came to holidays involving flowers. I saw Russian women holding immense bouquets of 51–101+ roses. Side note — don’t give a Russian an even number of flowers, as even numbers are reserved for funerals and associated with death. This sense of grandeur is especially shown on birthdays. It is not uncommon for someone to spend several hundred to upwards of $500 on a gift for a very close friend or partner. These gifts could be anything from spa weekends, cell phones/tech upgrades, vacations, or a designer bag/clothing. It should be something that they wouldn’t necessarily buy for themselves, but would appreciate and enjoy — a luxury. My husband and our Russian friends were initially shocked at how little money Americans spend on their friends and families for their birthdays.
In the United States, lavish gift-giving is not as prevalent. A gift for a friend for around $25–35 would be seen as standard and thoughtful. For a family member, $50–100 would be more than appropriate, especially for Christmas. This of course depends on your own individual budget, income, and family/friend dynamic. Some people may even find it uncomfortable to receive an expensive gift from a friend or romantic partner, as they might feel unable to reciprocate such a grand gesture or realize that the relationship is deeper than they initially perceived.
Even regardless of price, gift-giving is a large part of Russian culture and customs. Russians often buy gifts for many of their friends and family during travels, always bring something to a host of a gathering, and sometimes just because. Whereas in the U.S., there is much less of a gift-giving custom and it is more about “the thought that counts.” Funnily enough, my husband is quite a fan of the U.S. version of gift-giving, as neither of us score high on the gift-giving love language. Certainly, we appreciate receiving gifts, and I take great pleasure in meticulously selecting gifts for others that I know they will enjoy. However, in our marriage relationship, we prefer to invest money in shared experiences and smaller gifts, allowing us to put more money towards travel and other spending goals.
Husbands Being Present at the Baby’s Birth
When my husband and I decide to have a baby, he will probably be the first male of his lineage to be present at the birth of his child.
In Russia, the father and other family members are usually not allowed in the delivery room. Healthcare is free in Russia, so if you are to choose the free option, you will give birth in one of the municipal maternity hospitals. In the municipal maternity hospital, you will likely be in a shared room or ward with curtains between you and the other mothers. In a lot of facilities, fathers are not allowed to be in the delivery room as labor is seen as a medical procedure in which other people would be in the way and a potential liability. Fathers and other family members might be able to visit after the birth, but cannot stay in the hospital after visiting hours.
If you are willing to pay, you can give birth in a private hospital and have more say in your experience and quality of care. Recently, there has been an increase in family wards in Russia where fathers can stay with their wives and babies, but it must be arranged in advance and it is still considered uncommon.
In the United States, most modern women would be aghast at the thought of not having their husbands at their side supporting them during delivery. Some women even prefer to have their mothers or sisters present. Many men attend Lamaze childbirth preparation method classes with their pregnant wives to learn how to best support their partners through the delivery process. I have heard American fathers often talk about how they couldn’t imagine missing such an important moment, and many American mothers describe how they can’t imagine going through such an experience without the comfort and support of their partner beside them.
In most hospitals, you will have a private room, and you will also hopefully have the same doctor you have been meeting with for most of your check-ups. Your husband is welcome to be there the entire time that you are and often sleeps on a couch in the room or a fold-out cot. However, the average cost of giving birth in the United States, including pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum care is $18,865. It is a costly affair to have a baby and one that requires serious budgeting and often the support of family and friends through baby showers.
The difference here really comes down to healthcare & purchasing power. When healthcare is free, there is a set standard of service that is received and you don’t get a lot of preference. In the U.S., money is the most predominant factor. You can pick your path down to location, doctor or dula, the level of privacy, and who is invited into the delivery room. Although historically, this is relatively a new thing, as men were not allowed into the labor rooms until the 1960s.
Home Clothes — домашняя одежда
When traveling with Russians, I noticed that when we got back to wherever we were staying, they would immediately change into “home clothes.” Home clothes can be as specific as pajamas, but mostly people change into comfy clothes such as sweatpants or joggers, a t-shirt or sweatshirt, and some kind of slipper or knit sock. Americans typically stick to one outfit per day, usually changing later in the evening or before going to bed. However, more people seem to be opting for comfier clothes, likely influenced by the overall shift towards more casual attire and the increase in remote work.
I must note a specific clause to this observation. I think for Americans it hinges on whether you use public transit and if you live in a large city. When I am in cities like New York and I am sitting on public benches, trains, etc, I do not want to come back and sit on my hotel/Airbnb furniture in the same clothes. The sights I’ve encountered in those public spaces have solidified that I do not want to rub that “ground zero bacteria” into my living space. Now if you commute in your own car, sit in your own office chair and relatively clean spaces, it does not feel like a crime to come back and sit on your dining room chairs, couch, etc. Although personally, I would never sit or lay on my bed in “outside clothes.” Since public transit has been and continues to be a large part of the Russian lifestyle, home clothes remain a strong and beloved custom that has been ingrained since childhood.
Russians are also big on wearing slippers or traditionally knit slipper socks, tapochki (Тапочки). You come home, take off your shoes — MANDATORY, then put on your slippers. Many people even keep extra pairs to offer guests to use. Some Americans like slippers, but most people are usually just in their regular socks. I will say that taking shoes off in the house is a plea that many countries have for Americans. I am sad to admit there were a few years I committed this crime in a few parts of my own home, but thankfully I have reformed my ways and am very invested in not wearing shoes in my own or other people’s houses. It should honestly become a global custom.
Overall, when Russians are home they are in their home clothes, but when they leave the house they are more dressed up/in an outfit. For Americans, they tend to wear their regular clothes regardless of the day's plans of going out or staying in. Wearing comfy clothes or formal clothes comes down to more of a personal preference and location-specific need. However, I am happy to adopt the new custom of wearing the beautiful tapochki (Тапочки) that my mother-in-law has given me. ))
Being in a multicultural relationship is so fun because something that may seem ordinary or routine to me can be an entirely novel cultural experience for my husband, and vice versa. The other day, we went to KFC for the first time together. A year ago I tried сало (salo) for the first time. We get to show each other our childhood iconic cartoons and movies. He got to experience Mean Girls and White Christmas and I got to see Служебный роман (Office Romance) and the show Кухня (Kitchen). We have been able to open our global and interpersonal perspectives through our relationship in ways we couldn’t do alone. At times cultural differences can be stretching, but the mutual benefit is a thing to treasure and adds a delightful spice to life.
